The song line still echoed in my ears. It
rang perfectly well but I choose to shut it out. I firmly pulled as the door latched
into its lock and muffled the sounds that reminded me of what I had to do. I
thought I left the sorrow of reality and perhaps, even for a long while, I did.
It’s really surprising how things turned out and turn out to be. I turn around
and lay my eyes on what was before me. There she was huddling beneath a shade
waiting for me. I saw her, she smiled, and I let out a deep sigh. Until now, I
can’t believe that she was there with me.
We walked and I can just feel it in me. Was
it just the caffeine? - That bitter, white crystalline xanthine alkaloid stimulant
drug! It starts to flow and finds itself mixed with both my blood and heartbeats.
Often have I found myself in this state but this time it is very different. The
heart pumps and I take in everything that is happening. Everything seemed to be
in slow motion: the wind stricken leaves whistling their way towards the
ground, the tiny drops weeping from the wet walls, the slush of puddles stepped
on by bustling people, the hushed melodic mutters of the crowd and the breeze
gently grazing her graceful face.
She looked at me.
I looked back at her… and for the nth time,
I found myself smiling.
We were above the walls. Taking both time
and slowing down paces, we leaned toward the side and paused for just a moment.
It started raining. “Oh, I love the rain.” I reminded myself. For some hurried
consideration I wanted for us to seek immediate shelter. “You know, I don’t
like the rain.” she coyly reminded me too. I can think of all the reasons she
would say: it causes heavy traffic, it dampens socks, it floods, or it just
causes a whole lot of unnecessary inconvenience. Yet there she was by my side,
not complaining, always understanding or simply being there for me.
“Don’t you think motion is impossible?” she
surprisingly becomes inquisitive all of a sudden. “How so?”, “Like every moment
is a picture. Life just flips through each one; that the now is already a past
and that the future is the now. So… yes, motion is impossible.” I would’ve
clapped slowly had I not held the umbrella that was our shelter from the rain.
Baffling as always, she never failed to be enthusiastic about such things and
to this day I still remember how bafflingly lovely a lot of things with her can
be.
She makes me see that the impossible can be
possible, but she doesn’t.
I just witnessed the grandest paradox in my
life.
I rue what life asks of me. I wish it were
that simple: to so easily fall out of love as easy as it is to fall in. I would
think that it would ask for something else, like fight for someone, or learn to
accept, or know to control my feelings. But no...That's not it... It's like the
only act of love I am ever capable of is to let someone go. Further ridiculing my
very existence, life makes me do it and I have to do it… again.
Did I not learn the first time around?
Maybe.
Do I not see how agonizingly painful it can
be? Maybe.
Does following my own heart always have to
end this way? Maybe.
When the universe just stands up and dictates,”
You let her follow her heart, and you go find a way for you to be okay, okay?”
I don’t say okay right away. I was always stubborn one yet a war rages in me.
Oh, the torment of self-inflicted conflicts can just be so unbearable.
Devastated, if I choose to defy then I would have considered myself selfish.
And how can I let that happen? To forbid someone to take down the walls and break
free, to disallow the end of struggle of being fragile? I never had, and I
never will. So , instead of defying further, I choose to obey. How is it that
doing the right thing can feel so wrong? I always tried to do things the right
way and after all, I still am in this situation and I ask,” What happened here?”
A question now only moments, dashed dreams, and memories can answer.
We all fear oblivion; some more than others.
But is it really oblivion that we fear? Or is it that we just fear death? For
me, it happened so soon. I died and I refuse to be a memory. Now, I am majorly
aware of my own mortality. It's unwelcoming, but it sure adds another layer of
gravity to that which lies ahead. I close my eyes and imagine that
nothing really has changed at all. Eventually, and inevitably I will open them
and I won’t fail to show how I see how much someone means to me.
…
“I need tears.” I remember claiming that I needed
those. I now am in abundance of them. Well, I wanted fake ones just to cover
for the dryness of my eyes - too bad life has given real ones… and it just
keeps on giving (I should be more specific of what I wish for).
How about this one?
I
now wish that she were right, that motion were really impossible. Had it been
we would still be there in that moment pondering on and lighting everything up
with time, thoughts, talents and treasures. I know and I understand that things
will eventually unfold but for now let me grant my own wish. Let me hold on to
those moments as this will be the first motion of my emotion to start moving on:
We are still there, shining like those little bright dots in the night sky,
wondering if there really were a fault in our stars.
