The raindrops
were ticking and spattering as they touch the cold, hard concrete pavements.
Everything seems to be in slow motion: the stream of lights from the passing
vehicles, the soft splatter of water from the puddle stepped on by passers-by,
the muffled chatter of the people around me, the slow descent trickles from the
window top and the slur of the sad song over the radio. They weren’t really on
slow motion, it was just me being sentimental and all. The rain does remind me
of something. Though I know the rain reminds me about a lot of things, it’s you
who stand out. I try to count each drop, but it was impossible. Next thing I
know, a puddle here and a puddle there. “It’s the little things that pile up”,
I told the barista. She gave me half-puzzled look unaware of the things in my
mind, but she just handed me the coffee anyway. She greeted enthusiastically
but still baffled, “Enjoy your drink, sir!” Little did she know, I too am
baffled by a broken heart.
Matching those
million drops falling from the sky, I casted one of my own – a tear. A single
drop. It is for you. I wrapped my hands around that warm cup, I felt comfort.
At least this one won’t grow cold, not for a long while.
I remember the
time we had a fight, it was just a few weeks ago, but it feels like it was a
lifetime away. The very words you told me were, “It’s your fault. You’re just
so bad at timing”. I guess I am. You are right, I’m bad at timing.
I caught you at
your worst. I didn’t know you were already torn when you came to me. You sought refuge from all the things going
on, both in your heart and in your mind. It’s you looking for someone who’s
dependable, sensitive, caring and one who knows your worth. I was that person.
You needed me when everything was down, when you were at your rock bottom. I
was there when turmoil tailed you. I was the neutral ground, the fortress, the
cradle. It was me who protected you from more pain, you needed no sides to
take, only mine and you had nothing to worry about. I was there for you. I gave you all I had. And
for a time, it felt good. I can almost see our smiles now, yours standing out
more. I’ll never get tired of that smile.
It was me who
took that away. I fell for you when I wasn’t supposed to.
Taking a sip
from the warm coffee, I pursed the lid towards my lips. “Bitter”, I thought. I
took a sip and slowly gulped down that dose of caffeine. Felt its warmth make
its way to me. “Sweet”, I understood as I placed the cup down.
Yes, I am bad at timing. I
caught you at your worst, but I didn’t mind.
Just imagine what it would be
like if you were still mine at your best.
It’s now me who is realizing that you are now part of
my history, but not my destiny. A history in which I learn lessons from each
time I look back. A destiny in which I’ll be moving on to now. Still I am
learning from you the fallacy. The fallacy “All is fair in love and war”. War
may be, but love isn’t. It never was, it never is, and never will be. Odds are
never even, odds were never in my favour. Still oddly enough, just a few weeks
back, I thought I couldn’t live without you. Yet here I am, alive – without
you.
And that’s the only favour I
need.
I combed my
fingers to my always messy hair, only to mess it even a little more. The cup
was still warm, though now it is only half-full. Things are much clearer now,
but clearer doesn’t always mean better. I wiped away that tear. It left no
trace, no scar and no pain – physically but not emotionally. I shed that tear
not for the reason that I held on to you when you’re long gone but because we
will have each other as the biggest what-if’s in our lives. And it will be like
that, a possibility, forever. You were never mine to keep but I guess I’ll just
have to say thanks.
For the moments we made each other smile.
For times we laughed at each other’s blame.
For the whiles you lost me in your stares.
For stories, for sorry’s.
The slurred song earlier now comes clearer to me. Listened well, listened hard.
“You only need the light when it’s burning low
You only miss the sun when it starts to snow
You only know you love her when you let her go”
“You only you’ve
been high when you feeling low
You only hate
the road when you’re missing home
You only know
you love her when you let her go”
I shyly smiled knowing that someone else can put into
words what I feel. That there are people who have been through things worse
than I have, and they come out on the other side better than okay. This song tells me I’m not alone. It’s just peculiar
how two strangers can become friends, become a little more than friends then
try to go back to being friends only to be strangers again. I never thought
that was possible, but impossible does happen. Now that you are on your way to
your happy ending, I think this just is my saddest beginning. Oh, the sorrow of
reality. I finished my coffee making sure the drink is worth the warmth, stood
up and headed for the door to brave the rain outside.
As I closed the door behind me, the song’s last line
reminded me that I never I was never a player, but you sure are a game changer.
And for that dear, one final tear.
“And you let her go…”
